10 months gone

So... 10 months ago, you somehow wound up dying on me.  Didn't see it coming, wasn't expecting it...in one moment, my life was shattered.  July 4th...one of my favorite holidays, now ruined forever.  I know you didn't plan it, you didn't see it coming any more than I did.  But it happened.  A heart attack they tell me.  Gone before you went under.  I guess I'll really never know.  All I know is that my heart is broken forever.  Nothing will ever be normal again.  I am left with two teenagers who don't understand this any better than I do.  You left us with no plan, no defenses, no clue as to how we're supposed to go on.

So here I am.  Single mother, full time nurse.  Trying to make sense of things.  Nothing makes sense.  I'm alone, without you. You got me like no one else.  I got you like no one else.  Everything is falling apart.  All these stupid things that have come up that I can't handle on my own.  And you're not here to help.  It's so hard.

I'm lonely...I miss you like you could never imagine.  Why you?  Why now?  It hurts beyond measure.  I'm capable, they tell me. I'm strong, they tell me.  I'm better off without you... Never.  Never.  Never.  I'm alone, heartbroken, missing you like you could never imagine...I'm in a endless, living nightmare.  There's so much I want to tell you...so much you've missed.  I cannot accept it.